Just got back from Washington, DC. The whole band went out there to help with the rally. Unfortunately we all had things we had to be back in New York for this morning, so we only stayed until after the speech and everything last night and then drove back really early this morning after some sleep.

We had a really good time and everyone was real friendly - even after they found out we were a Christian band. Someone said that he found it really comforting that some religious people were open enough to admit that God loves everyone and the fear of the Roman empire is what created many of the stigmas against homosexuals. I would have liked to tell him that I knew, that I was there when it was all being written down and I knew what Rome looked like in those days. But I just smiled and nodded and told him that we're trying to change things and make the world a better place for everyone.

Sure, it's idealistic and maybe it's stupid and unrealistic, but everyone has to have a goal, even if it's unreachable.

I'd really like to see Don't Ask, Don't Tell repealed soon. I miss my soldiers.

And luckily, the bleeds kept at bay yesterday and I managed to get by with some thin bandages under my gloves and clothes. It's a bit awkward doing everyday things with bandages on your hands, but at least it's cold enough here that if I pull on some thin gloves, people don't look at me strangely. And most of my sweaters cover up the bandages at my sides. It comes and goes in waves. Some days there is nothing at all, other days I might as well not bother leaving the house, for as often as I have to change bandages. The bleeds have also stopped coming at night and many sets of sheets have been saved. Though now that I've said that, they'll probably come again tonight.

I know Hari is worried, because he doesn't want me to be in bad pain. But it's not bad. It's not even painful. Not really, anyway. Maybe I just have a strange concept of what pain is.

As busy as I am, I still feel like there's more I could be doing.

I wonder if it's possible to feel happy and fulfilled and sad at the same time. I know, prolonged sadness is a sin, I'm working on it.

I know I have been quiet. I've been busy. I was in California for a week and before that I toured halfway down the East coast with another band and now I'm home and things feel just as they felt when I left. With one tiny exception.

For months I have not experienced any sort of message or vision or dream from Him, and yet I have not been concerned with the lack of communication as I have been in the past because I knew this time that He was simply waiting. All things in His time, not mine, after all. I have never remembered the dreams anyhow, just the feeling that I had been spoken to and that everything was going to be alright - or, as has been the case a couple of times, that I should be doing something different and when I did I felt that everything was going to be alright. There have been times that I've remembered, but not when the revelations are of any importance. I've never been bothered by this fact. We all experience Him differently.

But now the dreams are back; with new symptoms as well. We've had to buy new sheets twice in a week because I've begun to experience the bleedings that the other saints show. My sides and my hands, specifically. I feel closer to Him than I ever have before, but I am also worried. I know my own thoughts of recent and I know that I'd begun to doubt and feel discontent with that part of my life. I'd started to feel lost when I thought about it and the only time I felt like I'd been found was when...

Well, that hardly matters in this case.

He is harshest to the ones he loves the most.

So about that vacation I'm planning on taking...

Anyone want to take a road trip to... I dunno, anywhere? I'm taking suggestions. I have a bus and it has five beds in it. Two are occupied. Or, well, they are if Hari wants to come with us.

I need to get away from the city and I'm sure I'm not alone.

I know it's been a while since I've said something of any substance here - other than, you know, complaining about my religion and how the only unity among them is hate.

But things professionally have been really busy. We're working on a new album, sort of, and we've been in and out of various studios for various things and we've had to get a new drummer because Cole is still in rehab and he's going to move back to South Dakota with his parents when he gets out in a couple of weeks. It's sad to lose him, but I know that this is how God has answered my prayers for him and this will be good for him. I'm happy that he's getting this worked out. And we won't lose contact, I know we won't.

We all miss him, and it's really hard to look for a replacement drummer when we're still so worried about him, but it's what we have to do and he's given us his blessing to move forward without him. It's still been hard, but that's why we've thrown ourselves so much into our work - because we need to do something in order to make a difference, especially now. And I love that the guys in the band are just as passionate about things as I am.

I'm going to drop the saint thing on them soon, I think. Very soon. I feel like I've been lying to them and... yeah.

Things with Hari are more than excellent. He's my light and I love him more than I've ever loved another person. He reminds me why I fought in the first place - for a love that really means something, for a love that means the world to me. I'm eternally thankful and humbled and joyous that God saw fit to bring the two of us together.

But I digress, the point is that I have something to share with you guys and I want a real honest opinion...

( video under cut )

Late-night internet wandering while my boyfriend is at work has brought up some interesting, humorous and sometimes disturbing findings, but one really caught my attention...

Did Lady Gaga really come out as intersexed and why hasn't Hari, I dunno... done something to spread the gossip? I would fully encourage it, personally.

There's a video. I watched it. Twice. Definitely something, but I still can't tell what.

Darn you, internet. This is why the whole "idle hands are the devil's tools" phrase was probably made. If I wasn't bored, I wouldn't be trying to decipher what appears to be a mass of typically-male flesh in order to point it out to my boyfriend later.

Then again, I feel like a kid with something shiny.

Look what I found, baby.

I'm a bad saint. :D

On a different note than what I just posted a couple hours ago...

Little Ashes, a movie about Salvador Dali and his lover Federico Lorca, both of whom I was connected to during the height of their living fame (Salvador used to paint Lorca in my image. It was quite beautiful and very romantic), in which Salvador is played by Robert Pattinson.

The fricking Twilight kid?

Emo, I'm going to kill you. I really mean it this time. The last five times I said it, I was bluffing, but this isn't funny and I am not amused!

Edit: What is this ridiculousness? Ok, ok... maybe with the mustache he does look a little... Ugh! No! At least Javier is perfect.

I feel kind of stupid, that it took me so long to figure this out, but I've spent a lot of time thinking and praying and reflecting recently and it feels like I have new answers. If these answers had come from myself or from some source determined to lead me astray, I am certain I would have discovered them long before now - as I have put myself in the midst of those sources and had allowed them to try and lead me away from my path, to absolutely no avail. I have faith - or, rather, I have a pretty good belief - that this knowledge comes from a trustworthy source.

Before I say more on the matter, though, I've been endlessly concerned about how my revelations will be seen my the other Blessed and for the longest time that fear of rejection has stopped me from making any discoveries. But then I realize that I've already been rejected, so what should it matter? I am not what the others believe I should be. I am not like the others. Fine. This will ease the inevitable sting of utter rejection when it comes.

My revelation, though, seems small and stupid now that I think of it, like something I should have learned as a mortal child when I was studying in Milan. But we were never allowed to read the old texts then - and even if we could, there were few of us literate in Hebrew or Aramaic, and I was certainly not one of them. Now, though, I realize that there are two different forms of context - the explicit context of face-value blind trust and the implicit context of being aware enough of historical events to read between the lines.

And I can't believe how much hate and intolerance comes out of a book that's supposed to be teaching the exact opposite. None of us are perfect, none of us can ever hope to understand His message - no, not even the angels. We will misinterpret because we are imperfect and we will get it wrong. The most we can do is try to understand the deeper meaning - to pay attention to His words and accept that the rest was spoken by fallible mortal men with their prejudices and their pride.

They were men of God, certainly. But how many men of God through the ages have spoken the Word with passion and conviction and have later shown their true selves to be just as filled with hypocrisy and hate as those they condemn? We know how priests used to pick and choose and change the words of God to fit their own agenda - I lived through that time! I was there! I remember the current canon being pieced together and how chapters were cut from books and words were translated in such a way as to benefit them. It wasn't about God, it was about controlling a congregation and swaying political movements.

I know, we all know, that the Word is abused by every kind of extremist on both sides of the argument and has been since the first word was written down - this is not exclusive to any Judeo-Christian sect. But there's a truth that runs through all of it, through everything. There is an answer.

I'm frustrated. Maybe I'm a little fed-up with all this hypocrisy too. But what I am not, is doubtful. I believe I've finally opened my eyes wide enough to see the truth in the Word. Oh, it's there - it's always been there. But there's a lot of extra stuffed in around it.

I saw an old acquaintance of mine today, someone I hadn't seen since the early eighties and didn't even know was in the city. Though I suppose, that's because even when he's into everything he has the good sense to keep an extremely low profile. We're planning on getting together Friday for a former mutual follower's birthday and I can only expect another argument on the topic of how that follower died. Because we always do; it's like tradition.

But I've felt a definite influx of Holy energy in the city recently and it feels incredible - really peaceful. It reminds me of those years when I was There instead of Here... minus the fact that His presence was strong enough to make your skin tingle. You can feel Him here still, in the hearts of all the believers and the presence of His Blessed. I don't think I've ever really felt happier down here than I do right now. I heard Remiel and Raguel are both in the city now. So we have 5 of the 7 Archangels in the city and I don't know whether to be nervous about the possible reasons why or just bask in the comfort of having so many of the Heavenly hosts nearby.

Now all I need is John and Thomas. Everyone I love will be here if they were here.

I've even gotten over the disappointment of having to cancel Friday's show. I wasn't sad about it anyhow because my drummer is getting the help he needs for his addiction (but he still needs prayers) and my guitarists are off getting married - finally - and will be on their honeymoon for a week and a half. These are very good reasons to have to cancel a gig or two. Or more. And I've been asked to fill in for a friend who broke his leg in a skateboarding accident (again, prayers) and who's band happens to be good friends with our band. So everything works out.

Sometimes I really like the feeling of always working, always being busy - when the days run together and suddenly weeks have passed and you didn't even realize it. It's been like that recently, but now I'd really like to slow down and hang out with some old friends.

Note: This list does not contain visual art. For a nearly comprehensive list of carvings, engravings, statues, paintings, photographs and mixed-medium art please go here. The only thing I find lacking is that they only have one of F. Holland Day's three Sebastian photographs, sadly.

( Stage, Film, Television, Literature and Poetry )

( Quotes )

I still hurt.

I called in to work today because I just didn't want to get out of bed. I still don't want to. I think I'll stay right where I am. Unless He tells me to get out of bed for whatever reason...

The pain is satisfying. I'd started to forget what it was like to feel like this.

I knew there was a reason I've been feeling unsettled.

It's just one case, I know. One case doesn't make a proper plague. But this was MY plague and now it's here and I didn't even realize it. There can't be just one infected flea. I have a bad feeling we'll be hearing more about this.

I know I was just saying this morning that I needed to get out of the city, but I didn't think that I would be going to New Mexico.

Please don't turn into the full-blown plague again. Please.

Though, I do need to find something constructive to do...

Happy Gay Pride Month!!!

I'll be hiding in my apartment until this gold shimmer fades to a manageable level and this silly halo goes away. I haven't felt like this since the plague! It was like a woosh of joy and all this prayer-chatter and it was slowly dying down but then I got hit by Glibt's woosh of whatever-he's-doing and I think I'm just going to sit here and smile like an idiot for a while.

The band needs to do something about this. Some... show or something. I'll talk to them when I can think straight. Hehe...

And I also asked my boyfriend to move in with me this morning and he said yes!

So there.

Whoaaa... there's another rush of it...

So I've been thinking for a while that I might need to get a bigger apartment. I wasn't really keen on the idea of moving out of Greenwich, but everything in my price range there is just so small, and I really wanted to stay in the same area; it's just close to everything I need...

But like a God-send I found something today - in Gramercy Park, of all places! just two blocks from where I stayed with Oscar when he was living in the city. I almost cried... It's this little one bedroom with bright windows, a shower bigger than a coffin, a door on the bedroom!! and enough room for everyone to move around during practice. And best of all it's reasonably affordable and close to NYU and Chelsea and the East Village where Joey and Mitch live.

I called a guy. And I managed to work the rent down a little bit and I'm going to sign the paperwork tomorrow. Of course, on a musician's (and occasional revolutionary!) pay, it's going to be tighter than tight and I might still have to pick up one of those dreaded Real Jobs. But I was talking to one of the waitresses at Uncommon Ground and she said that she'd put in a good word for me if I wanted to work there. I figure, I'm there all the time anyway that I might as well and like I was just saying earlier today, you never know when you're going to get the chance to help someone.

Either way, I have enough money saved up to cover rent for three months and I'll be moving next week Friday!! There's only one thing I'll need to make it Home Got it!!

This, this "waking up in the middle of the night with sweat-soaked sheets feeling like my heart is about to explode from some dream I can't remember" thing... it needs to stop. It happened again last night, though it was nothing at all like the first time, the time with all of Harvey's people then I just felt a tightness in my chest. Now I feel like I'm being choked.

I don't like this, alright. This isn't fun or pleasing or exciting. It doesn't feel like it did before. If you're going to punish me, please do it right.

Pray, they say. But what do you do when your prayers aren't answered anymore?

( Private )